It’s Friday night. You’re all dressed up, waiting by the phone. He said he’d call at 8 PM to finalize plans for your date. But 8 PM comes and goes with no call. You wait another hour, checking your phone every few minutes. Still nothing.
Sound familiar? Let’s talk about what to do when he doesn’t call when he says he will.
Stay Calm and Don’t Jump to Conclusions
When he doesn’t call as promised, it’s easy to let your mind run wild with worst-case scenarios. Maybe he got into an accident. Or he’s cheating on you. Or he just doesn’t care about you anymore. Stop right there. Take a deep breath. In most cases, there’s a simple explanation that has nothing to do with you.
For example, last month, my boyfriend Jake said he’d call me after work to chat. When 7 PM rolled around with no call, I started to worry. But it turned out he got stuck in a last-minute meeting that ran late. His phone died, and he couldn’t reach out.
Instead of assuming the worst, try to:
- Distract yourself with a book, TV show, or chat with a friend
- Remind yourself that he cares about you
- Think of innocent reasons why he might not have called yet
- Focus on your own life and plans rather than waiting on the phone
As you can imagine, staying calm will help you respond better when you do talk to him.
Give Him Some Time
Your first instinct might be to call or text him right away. But hold off for a bit. Give him some time to reach out on his own.
There could be many reasons for the delay:
- He got busy with work or family stuff
- His phone died, or he lost service
- He fell asleep accidentally
- He’s running late and plans to call soon
Jumping to contact him immediately can come across as needy or distrustful.
A few weeks ago, Jake (my boyfriend) said he’d call me after his dentist appointment. When I didn’t hear from him for a couple of hours, I resisted the urge to check in. It turns out that the dentist had found a cavity, and Jake needed an unexpected filling. He called as soon as he could.
Try waiting at least a few hours or even overnight if it’s late. The odds are he’ll reach out to explain the delay.
Send a Casual Check-In Text
If some time has passed and you still haven’t heard from him, it’s okay to send a quick text. Keep it light and casual, and avoid sending multiple texts or calling repeatedly. One casual check-in is enough.
You could say something like:
“Hey! Hope your day is going well. Just wanted to check if we’re still on for tonight?” or “Hi there! Haven’t heard from you in a bit. Everything okay?”
This gives him a chance to explain without sounding accusatory.
I once texted Jake “Hey you! Miss your voice. Free to chat later?” when he was running behind on a promised call. He responded right away, apologizing for the delay.
Have an Open Conversation
When you do talk to him, have an honest discussion about what happened. Stay calm and avoid attacking him. Instead, focus on how his actions made you feel.
You could say: “I felt worried and disappointed when I didn’t hear from you last night. What happened?” or “When you don’t call when you say you will, it makes me feel unimportant. Can we talk about how to avoid this in the future?”
Listen to his explanation with an open mind. There may be a good reason for the missed call. Jake and I had a talk after he forgot to call one weekend. I explained that it made me feel neglected. He apologized, and we came up with a plan to improve our communication.
Be willing to forgive if it was an honest mistake. But also pay attention to whether this becomes a pattern.
Set Clear Expectations
To prevent future miscommunication, set clear expectations about calls and communication because they can help avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It might include:
- Agreeing on specific times for calls
- Deciding how to handle delays or changes in plans
- Discussing your communication styles and needs
For instance, Jake and I agreed that if either of us will be more than 30 minutes late for a planned call, we’ll send a quick text. We also set up regular weekly call times.
You could say: “It would mean a lot to me if you’d text when you’re running late. Can we agree to do that?”
Focus on Your Own Life
While it’s natural to feel upset when he doesn’t call, don’t let it consume you. Keep living your own life and pursuing your interests.
Some ideas:
- Call a friend or family member
- Work on a hobby or project
- Go for a walk or exercise
- Watch a favorite movie or TV show
- Plan something fun for yourself
When Jake is busy and our calls are less frequent, I make plans with girlfriends or dive into a good book, and it keeps me from obsessing over the phone. Keep in mind that a healthy relationship involves two independent people with their own lives. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for his call.
Look for Patterns
If not calling when he says he will becomes a habit, pay attention. Overall, this could be a red flag about his reliability or interest level. Ask yourself:
- How often does this happen?
- Does he apologize and try to do better?
- Is he generally considerate of your time?
- Does he make an effort to stay in touch regularly?
Jake used to be pretty forgetful about calls early in our relationship. But after we talked about it, he made a real effort to improve. Now, it rarely happens. If you notice a consistent pattern of unreliability, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
Consider His Communication Style
Sometimes, differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings, and understanding his style can help you interpret his actions more accurately.
As you know, some people are very precise about time, while others are more relaxed. For example, Jake tends to underestimate how long tasks will take. So when he says he’ll call in an hour, it often turns into two or three. Once I understood this about him, I adjusted my expectations.
Think about your guy’s general habits:
- Is he usually punctual or often running late?
- Does he prefer texts, calls, or in-person chats?
- How often does he typically reach out?
Assess Your Own Feelings
Your reaction when he doesn’t call can tell you a lot about yourself and the relationship. Ask yourself:
- Why does this bother me so much?
- Am I feeling insecure about the relationship?
- Do I have trust issues from past experiences?
- Am I relying too heavily on him for my happiness?
Practice Self-Care
When you’re feeling upset or anxious about him not calling, it’s important to take care of yourself. Self-care can help you stay grounded and maintain perspective.
Some self-care ideas:
- Take a relaxing bath
- Practice deep breathing or meditation
- Write in a journal
- Treat yourself to a favorite snack
- Listen to uplifting music
When I’m tempted to obsess over a missed call from Jake, I often go for a run or do some yoga. It helps clear my head and calm my nerves.
Communicate Your Needs Clearly
If regular communication is important to you, make sure he knows that. Many relationship problems stem from unexpressed expectations.
You could say: “It really means a lot to me when you call when you say you will. It helps me feel secure and valued in our relationship.”
Jake didn’t realize at first how much his calls meant to me. Once I explained it, he made them more of a priority. Be clear about your needs, but also be open to compromise.
Give Him a Chance to Improve
If this is the first time he’s missed a promised call, or if he’s genuinely trying to do better, give him a chance. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
You could:
- Acknowledge his efforts when he does call on time
- Offer gentle reminders if he seems to be forgetting
- Be patient as he works on building new habits
Know When to Walk Away
While it’s important to be understanding, there’s a limit. If he consistently doesn’t call when he says he will and shows no interest in changing, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
Signs it might be time to walk away:
- He regularly breaks promises with no explanation
- He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings
- He gets defensive or angry when you bring up the issue
- You’re constantly anxious and unhappy in the relationship
I once dated a guy who would go days without calling despite promising to stay in touch. No matter how many times we talked about it, nothing changed. Eventually, I realized I deserved better and ended things. You deserve someone who values you and respects your time.
Final Thought
When he doesn’t call when he says he will, it can be frustrating and hurtful. But by staying calm, communicating openly, and focusing on your own well-being, you can navigate this challenge. Keep in mind that a healthy relationship involves mutual respect, clear communication, and a willingness to grow together.
Whether this is a one-time slip-up or a recurring issue, how you handle it can strengthen your relationship or help you realize it’s time to move on. Trust your instincts, value yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need in a relationship.
